Love is
by thepretender1031
Summary: What love is.....for Marcus and Tessa: A collection of vignettes.
1. Chapter 1

_**A Tender Thing**_

"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,  
Too rude, too boist'rous; and it pricks like thorn." ---Shakespeare

* * *

Slamming the door open Tessa looked up just in time to see the captain grimaced in pain as Dr. Helm stitched the last thread into his left shoulder.

She smiled brightly at the doctor and greeted the two men.

Glaring hatefully at the man who just finished stitching up his wounds, Captain Marcus Grisham of the distinguished Montoya's army nearly screamed when a small finger pushed slowly into a fresh purple bruise.

"Doctor, I think you missed a spot." Tessa wondered out loud.

Turning his attention from the doctor to the dark beauty in front of him. "It's fine! Nothing a salve won't do." Grabbing a random jar, he strained to apply the medicine on his back.

Dr. Helm and Tessa both watched in silent merriment as the poor captain swiveled around and around vainly reaching for the injury on his back.

"Will someone help me!" He glowered at his audience.

At that moment a small boy ran into the office and looked up to Robert Helm. "Doctor! Doctor Helm! Please! There's been an accident! My papa…he fell off the roof…You must to get to the farm right now!" Without blinking an eye, the doctor set in motion to grab his black satchel and hurried after the young child.

"Senorita Alvarado, I suggest you help the captain with his wounds! I have to leave right now!" He yelled at her without looking back, there were more important things he must attend to.

Staring wide-eyed after the doctor, Tessa felt the room shrank and the tension went up several levels. Turning around she caught the captain's rakish grin at her behind.

"I guess it's just you and me, huh." Grisham smiled wildly at Tessa, tossing the jar at her. "You heard what the doctor said, don't just stand there!"

Inside she was irritated that she's playing nurse to the insufferable git but she brightened as a plan formed in her mind. Smirking at his state of undress and his wounded body, she strolled up to him and leisurely rubbed the salve onto his back. Putting the jar on the table, she started to massage the rest of his pain filled contusions.

"Oh….that's nice." His entire body tingled at the soft pats and strong kneads.

"You like that?" She whispered seductively into his ear.

"Mmmmhmmm." He whimpered back.

"Too bad you're not gonna enjoy it." She suddenly stopped her ministrations and stepped back. "That's what you get for being rude."

"What!" Snapping out of his reverie, Grisham immediately cursed the gods for creating someone as exasperatingly beautiful as Tessa Alvarado. He couldn't figure out whether to snap back or shove her against the wall and ravage her senseless.

His body ached for her touch and his head was lightheaded from the morphine shots that the doctor gave him. He eventually did the unthinkable. Captain Grisham apologized.

"I'm sorry…" He grumbled into his hands.

"What? I didn't hear you. Did you say something?" She mocked his earlier wild grin.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He gave up. Sometimes it was easier to give in to her demands. He rather win in the bedroom than arguing about petty nonsense in the day. Besides, he was curious why she came to the doctor's office, most of the time they tried to avoid each other as much as possible. However, one of them would end up in the other's bed chamber the same night. Needless to say, it added a sense of danger and excitement to their relationship (as if they needed more).

"That's better. Apology accepted. So what happened this time? I heard that you were nearly run over by Don Hidalgo's prize bull. I couldn't believe it so I had to come over to see for myself."

"Did Vera snitch on me again? Yeah, I was at his ranch. Some banditos were stealing his beloved longhorns and he feared that his bull might be the next target. None of my soldiers could get the bull into the new corral so I decided to lure the brute in. All I did was wave your red sash and he came charging at me!"

"Hahaha! You are something, Captain Grisham! I'm glad you are not seriously hurt. No bleeding internal organs? No fractured ribs this time? Somehow you're always getting injured one way or another. I can't stop you but you really have to be careful. But then again, it's through one ear and out the other." She sighed. Tessa knew Grisham's crazy adventures will never stop, but she secretly hoped that by being with her he would think with his head instead of his other more endowed feature.

"Hey what 'bout you? I constantly worry about that ass of yours. Fighting twenty armed men by yourself last week wasn't something a typical senorita do around here. Besides, I'm use to the rough and tumble, I don't know if you can take it if you broke a nail." He replied snidely.

"I don't break my nails! Let's see if you can cry 'mother' once I break yours." Tessa shot back.

In an instant, Grisham's tall frame intruded her personal space and his sparkling blue eyes taunted her in reply.

Tessa couldn't decide whether to hit him or kiss him. She figured he had enough injuries to last through the next year. She might as well do the latter.

Their kisses were always unique. Each one never felt the same. However, each can remember the other's familiar curves and tastes. The kisses were sensual and demanding and explosive. It is as if they were wrong for each other, as wrong as mixing gas and fire together. Altogether forbidden and alluring at the same time.

Grabbing a hold of her skirt, Grisham hiked up the hem until the exposed creamy leg was in his sight. Pushing her until her back bumped into the doctor's desk, he eagerly kissed the weak spot below her earlobe. Tessa's legs were ready to crumble beneath if Grisham wasn't there to support her. Steadily kissing his way down her neck, he deftly removed her white blouse.

"Marcus! _Not here_! Dr. Helm might be…" He kissed her.

"Even _better _here." He smiled at her shock.

She groaned as he continued to massage her thigh and lick her collarbone. Although she would never admit it to anyone, the captain has a special knack for making her weak in the knees. A tender kiss on her earlobe or a rough bite on her neck can make her starry eyed in mere seconds. He didn't know it, but a she felt a small piece of heaven every time he showered his loving attention on her. She couldn't figure out how easily he can just ignore her in public and yet, stubbornly kept her by his side during their many midnight rendezvous.

Staring down at her expressions, he grinned in his kisses. She made him feel loved. All his life he chased after this nebulous concept. This ephemeral emotion that he never got to experience himself. As a deprived orphan throughout his childhood, he never had parents or relatives to love him. He turned to crime to feed his needs. His countless lovers always left him empty and lonely inside. He bedded numerous women to find that spark. The light he desperately tried to find in the dark.

Marcus Grisham finally realized that he didn't need to sleep with someone to love her. The moment he saw Tessa at the beach during their first "date" he felt the spark. During their fights when Tessa was the Queen of Swords, he felt alive. Every time Tessa looked him in the eye, he felt his heart swell and strong protective instincts took over. He made a vow a long time ago that he would never let anyone hurt the woman now wrapped tightly in his arms.

Noticing his lack of movement, Tessa looked up. "Marcus?" Her velvet voice pulled him from his thoughts. "Did I hurt you?"

Smiling at her concern, he quickly undid her belt. "I know how you can apologize."

Tessa groaned as Grisham slowly eased his hand up to her stomach.

She rasped out. "You are evil incarnate. I swear if the doctor walks in on us…I…I…will throw you to the bull myself."

"So what? It's worth it. Besides, it won't take long. The doctor will never know what happened." His wolfish grin was enough to make her yell out in frustration. But she calmed herself down. Tessa decided that she might as well enjoy his company while they have some free time. Both of them had been really busy with their duties and today was a lucky coincidence that the captain and the senorita were finally in the same room together.

She cried out when Grisham accidentally rubbed against her dark bruise along her thigh.

"Hey watch it." She glared playfully as Grisham frowned at her thigh.

"When did you get this? You may hate me getting in trouble all the time, but you should look after yourself too!" He looked into her dark eyes. A silent message passed across the small space between them.

She huffed. Tessa finally relented. She usually doesn't want Grisham to worry about her. Before she could stop herself, she retorted, "I'm careful. What about those frequent times you tried putting that lovely sword of yours into me?"

Grisham's usually cerulean eyes turned shadowy. He slowly leaned down and kissed the purple stain on her otherwise perfect skin. He stroked her leg thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry." He murmured. If Tessa hadn't listened carefully she would've missed the apology.

"Marcus…don't…you didn't know…and you don't have to say sorry every time something happens." She held his face in her hands and stared into his dark pools revealing the past memories of their fatal encounters.

"Besides…when did you start apologize all the crazy stuff you did? Remember you stole the antidote during the fever epidemic from Dr. Helm? And you had the audacity to try to get me in bed with you!" She smirked at his smiling expression.

"By the way you missed the part when we made out. That was helluva kiss. You loved it…" In an instant Grisham's playboy persona came to the forefront.

"Helluva kiss, huh?" She imitated his drawl. "I bet it couldn't compete with this one."

Tessa proceeded to knock his brain cells senseless with a heat-searing kiss. As the kiss tapered off she languidly traced his lips with the tip of her tongue.

"You will be the end of me." He declared into her neck as he took a look at her heavy lid eyes.

"Hmmm…mmm…the kiss of death…how appropriate." Her toothy smile made him laugh.

* * *

A/N: I wrote this piece as a companion to Searching for a Meaning and Change…This story happens after SfaM or Change (depending on which one you read). My take on what their interactions would be like after the initial confessions and fights. Enjoy!

I also might continue with another short-story to this piece but I'm not sure. Depends if the fans like it! (hint: feedback!) Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Queen of Swords belongs to Fireworks and its rightful owners. I own the plot bunnies! Also, these vignettes have no chronological order expect to find interesting tidbits that I throw in them. Read and review! Thank you!

* * *

"It takes two to tango." ---American Proverb

* * *

**_A Fierce Tango_**

_Estoy loca  
Enamorada, de ti..._

Spinning slowly until her dark eyes reach a pair of blue orbs, Tessa sighed as Grisham leisurely dipped her body towards the floor. Then in one quick motion brought her back to her feet. He held her close, inhaling her intoxicating scent.

Step by step, each followed the other. They mirrored each other's movements.

He took a step back, she took a step forward. Leaning away and closer than ever.

_It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me  
It's so ironic you're what I had pictured you to be  
But there are facts in our lives  
We can never change_

Finally he looked into her dark brown eyes. "You gonna let me lead or not?" His petulant attitude almost made Tessa laugh.

She glanced down at his bare feet and the relentless tapping that accompanied his frustration. Tessa reached up and languidly traced a preexisting love bite on his neck.

"What are you doin'?" He nearly groaned out.

"_I'm _leading…you have to follow me to know this special dance." She teased.

"I got the basics! Now let _me _lead!" He ground out. Even after all this time Tessa Alvarado Grisham was able to push the right buttons to make the Colonel Marcus Grisham go off the handle in a few seconds.

"How can I possibly learn the whole dance if you insist on leading and won't let me finish!"

_Just tell me that you understand and feel the same  
This perfect romance that I've created in my mind  
I'd live a thousand lives  
Each one with you right by my side  
But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance  
And so it seems like we'll never have the chance_

The Governor's Ball was going to be held in Santa Helena this year to honor Grisham's newly appointed role as colonel and to celebrate the capture of the malevolent Montoya who nearly destroyed Santa Helena in his mad obsession to take down the infamous Queen of Swords.

"Fine. You lead." She let go of her hold on his waist and stood rigidly against his body.

"Not helping, Tessa." He smirked as a new idea came to mind.

Gradually his hand found her tender spot and slowly massaged the soft skin beneath her white blouse. Tessa quickly lost her resolve.

"Mmmmm….Hummph! Ok, ok!" She sighed into his shoulder as her body instinctively moved closer to his waiting arms.

They took a second chance.

_Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny  
And you can't move on even though you try  
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel  
Oh, I wish this could be real  
_

Finally she let him lead. A pair of heeled shoes followed a larger pair of bare feet. He guided and led her through the motions. Each step was mirrored in the other. Forward and backward they went. She stepped in, he stepped out. The tango was a special dance indeed. Their passion reflected in each sway and turn. Their love reflected in their long gazes. Their lives entwined even more inextricably than before as each stride took them closer to a mutual understanding. Their partnership was resilient against any potential threats. As unlikely a tornado should occur in Santa Helena so if it did tore through the hacienda and into the dining room where the adoring pair practiced their tango, they would continue on as if this sudden malfunction of Mother Nature didn't concern them.

_Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life  
And you don't want to face what's wrong or right  
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part  
In the story of your heart_

"You're beautiful." He suddenly whispered into her ear. Although, Tessa was use to the many declarations of love and affection that Grisham easily shower on her, she could never anticipate them nor hide the blush that usually follow the clandestine declarations.

_Sometimes I think that a true love can never be  
I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me  
Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain  
And I don't think that I could face it all again_

His cerulean eyes traced her face, each feature etched permanently in his mind…over and over again…forever and ever.

_I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about  
A deeper love I've found in you  
And I no longer doubt  
You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made  
And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid_

She felt a warm euphoria enveloped her whole body. As they slowed down to their imaginary song…

_I locked away my heart  
But you just set it free  
Emotions I felt  
Held me back from what my life should be  
I pushed you far away  
And yet you stayed with me  
I guess this means  
That you and me were meant to be_

They each never revealed the other's knowledge because Tessa knew deep down that she was meant to be his and Grisham knew in his heart that he was meant to be hers. It was an unspoken agreement that they were meant to be together.

* * *

Disclaimer: The song is by Jennifer Lopez/Epic Records. I don't own that either! 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I haven't given up writing! Just really busy w/ exams and papers (the end of the school year). This is a little poem/song I wrote…try to figure out which is Tessa's pov and which is Grisham's.

* * *

_**Adagio**_

as you see me standing here alone…waiting…

can't you feel my heart beating hard in my chest

the rough ground scratches my bare feet

the wild wind slaps my face

long chocolate strands curled behind my ears

my hands feel weak

i ache to run towards you

but my body stood still

am afraid of the consequence

i saw you before you turn around

those eyes never cease to invoke passion

my devotion is forever

don't you see it?

i took a step forward and two steps back

my rough hands eager to soothe away your tears

you're my angel

the dark beauty that ran away with my heart

you left me

but i refuse to believe that you came back

why is love so hard for us?

the laws which govern the universe

they don't concern us

we are the vagabonds

i felt your embrace

i pushed you away

for fear of tragedy

yet you never left my side

the guilt open all the old sores in me

i look away…

still you won't leave

i set you free...long ago

you're still here

i choose you

i made up my mind

many nights ago

as i swear by the moon

i closed my eyes and say your name

that i will protect you

don't you see

my fate…

i was made to love you

our past dare to consume us in sorrow

your silhouette moves closer

holding my breath…

"it's a dream"

like the wild stag in the golden sun

you're an imagination

you're my reality

who dares to question reason

i know your purpose

staring beyond the horizon

i silently cried

i realize the truth

that…

i was meant to be

yours…

my love


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Third in the series! Thank you lovelies for the nice reviews (mrs.Grisham, Tessa, Roundaboutgrl, gaia, Anesha, Elisa). Although I'm so busy w/ schoolwork, I know I can continue this w/ your support cuz we know Marcus/Tessa fics need it!

* * *

_**An Exquisite Affair**_

_"I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you."_ ---John Smith, from the movie "Pocahontas"

* * *

"Shhhh" A soft sound blew into Captain Grisham's ear. He turned quickly towards the figure behind him. Refusing to believe his eyes, he looked her up and down to make sure he was not dreaming.

Indeed, it was her in the flesh. The Queen of Swords in her black guise. Revealing herself, Tessa grabbed his hand and dragged him towards his quarters.

Although he had seen her without her mask on several times before, Grisham was still not use to the soft, beautiful face that is Tessa Alvarado's in the Queen of Swords disguise. He accepted the fact that she's the same person, but it was always a novelty to him whenever she appeared to him like this.

Cradling her face, "You should get back to the hacienda before my soldiers catches you."

"Don't worry about me, I came here tonight because I discovered Montoya's new plan. He's setting out to destroy you!"

"What are you talking about? He doesn't know about us." Although Grisham tried to hide his obvious concern, Tessa caught the look in his eyes. She could always sense his automatic protective nature towards her. His faraway look, hands balled into tight fists, and his stance all points to his impulse to hit something which is usually his method of solving problems. She touched his arm and Grisham visibly calmed down.

Heaving a loud sigh. "I've been expecting this. Do you know what he's planning to do…to me?" He looked at her.

"I know that he's going to hire a known assassin…I don't know his name, a soldier came by and I had to leave Montoya's office before I could sort through the papers."

"I can't let Montoya kill you. He's going to come to me first!" She vowed.

Holding her hands in his, Grisham leaned towards her waiting lips. After a few sultry minutes later, she gasped into the air. "I love you."

Grisham frozed. The words suddenly had the effect of thick cotton blankets on a hot summer day. The entire room was quiet. Those words were unfamiliar to him. He knows what they are but he never heard it directed to him. Grisham didn't know how to react. Jump up and down? A small kiss on the cheek? He felt like a puppet with his strings cut and not know how to move. He couldn't breathe and his chest constricted until he thought he was going to pass out. Still he tried to quell his anxious feelings.

"I…" He trailed off. Looking at a spot beyond her shoulder. Grisham avoided her questioning eyes.

"I think you should leave before Sargeant Sanchez and his guards find you." He turned from her.

Staring at his rigid back, Tessa tried to regain her disappointed and embarrassed composure.

"Good night, captain." She said coldly and left in a whipping breeze.

Finally Grisham turned around as he blurted out, "I love you, Tessa." But it was too late, the wooden door slammed behind her haste exit.

Frustrated he picked up a marble elephant paper weight and threw it against the wall. The heavy delicate object broke into a thousand pieces as it made contact with the floor. Staring aimlessly at one of its pieces, Grisham wished he should've said the words before losing his nerve.

"Why happened?" He questioned the broke piece.

"Three simple words and I panicked. What kind of a man are you? She must hate me. I am right now."

The truth was that he always wanted to say those tender affectionate words to her. To shower her with various compliments and declarations that only a love-stricken Romeo can say. Yet, years of hiding his vulnerable heart and composing a stoic expression became a habit. He wanted to grab her and hold her in his arms forever. Nothing would make him let go. Protecting her was his duty. Despite past thoughts to kill her for revenge all but vanish now. Once he knew who it was behind the mask, his heart finally decided who his lover should be. He tried to hide this fact even from himself, but each subsequent surreptitious visit to see each other made it impossible. He admitted a long time ago that life without Tessa Alvarado is not a life worth living.

Grisham was a wary man through tough experiences that no woman is worth dying for, but Tessa had became the exception. Because in the end, she would've done the same. He lamented his lost of freedom yet realized that his happiness was seeing Tessa happy. Staring at his reflection in the basin of water, he was for once at a lost of ideas. Grisham knew once Montoya move Grisham out of the picture he could have his hands on the Queen of Swords.

The only person standing between Montoya killing Tessa was Grisham. He masterfully played a role of fighting against the Queen but only when he knows she will be safe at the end of the day. His carefully constructed visage around Montoya is essential to deceive the colonel. Each time something is amiss, Grisham quickly step in to squash the suspicion. He cradles Tessa's life in his hands each and every day.

"Why couldn't I just say it. Tell her she's my everything?"

Grisham slept fitfully that night.

* * *

Tessa slowly walked away after Grisham threw the paper weight against the floor. She heard the commotion and inside she felt his turmoil. She knows he loves her. Just to hear it would make her feel more settled…

In many ways Grisham is the only man ever to make her feel uncertain perhaps it was his impulsive personality. Tessa's life was organized and planned out even at the face of unexpected state of affairs, she has another alternative up her sleeve.

Grisham was the freak thunderstorm in her weather forecasted life, albeit with some calm days and the surprising rainbow.

He brought joy, anger, craziness, all along with his distinct smirk. He made her see beyond the sorrow and duty she possess that life is different from someone else's perspective.

"You make life by how you see it." He once said to her. She would never forget the way his mysterious smile would reveal nothing yet said everything she needed to understand his meaning.

"I know you want me. You're just a prude to show it." He grinned rakishly at her shocked response. "I know you want it just as much I want this."

Tessa chuckled at the memory of that day in the cave where unbeknownst to them the large boulders blocked her escape.

Grisham can always infuriate her to no end at the same time make her laugh like there's no tomorrow.

He can strike fear in the hearts of his soldiers and his enemies and then act like a sad puppy with a splinter in his paw around her.

She wants to heal his traumatized heart. She wants to protect him from anyone who tries to use his naïve love. Tessa was in love with him the day he took her to the beach where they had their "first" date. He told her the tide can be unpredictable and the currents cruel to those at sea. However, most importantly, the ocean is forever. It is constant, always there to soothe away the sadness one's feeling and bring delight to one's face.

He looked at her bemused expression. His countenance wavered. He sighed.

"I want to be the ocean for you."

She looked up.

He turned and slowly walked towards the water.

Two strong tan arms wrapped around his waist from behind.

She sighed into his blue coat.

* * *

"I love you."

A soft whisper woke her up from her dream.

"How did you get in?" She gasped.

"Nothing can keep me away from you." He softly kissed her cheek.

"I…" She couldn't remember her thoughts.

"Shhh…"

He sank low into the bed and caressed her arm.

"Mine." Grisham whispered against her neck.

* * *

Note: Sorry if some parts sounds familiar to the devoted readers since I want to have a connecting theme to all my Grisham and Tessa stories. I try to write each story as if the reader is new to my stories and plots. Thanks y'all! 


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Yay summer! I have a little more time now, but just as busy as ever. Something called summer school groan. Read and review lovelies! A choco-pie for all!

_**A Traumatizing Kiss**_

"A kiss is something you cannot  
give without taking and cannot  
take without giving." ---Anonymous

* * *

"Owww! Stop it! Bitch!" He screamed at her abrupt retreat from his advance. In the same moment Captain Grisham was met with a large rock courtesy of the Queen of Swords. The corner where his left eyebrow meets his temple a trail of blood seeped from its cut.

Glaring at her back, Grisham proceed to chase her down the rocky beach unfortunately he slipped on a wet boulder and fell head first.

After a few heart pounding minutes later Tessa realized that Grisham was no longer following her. Glancing back at her chaser she saw the fallen soldier facing down on the ground.

"What the…" She wondered what tricks were up Grisham's sleeve again.

Taking a step closer Tessa looked down at the lifeless captain. She cautiously knelt down and turned him over. His eyes were drawn shut and limp arms reveal nothing. Her hand moved to his nose to see if the man was still alive.

His index finger twitched.

In one swift movement the Queen of Swords was pinned down on the rocks with the captain glaring down on her. A dull ache emerged in her lower back and Tessa's strength was wearing away.

"Bastard! Get off!" She growled back. Tessa wasn't one to be easily intimidated when faced with an irate Grisham. Their history of combat had become a familiar engagement to say the least. Every spar, every kick was met with a retort or a block. Their dance was dangerous and each lethal step might send the other into Dr. Helm's office in no time. However, it was becoming a bad habit that both hated to admit their attraction towards the other as sparring partners.

"No. You did it this time. I'm going to finish you off right here, right now. No more games." Grisham's cobalt eyes seared into hers.

With the captain's rough coat scraping against her cheek, Tessa was fighting back fatigue and the offensive garment.

"Take off your coat." Her sudden husky voice nearly undid Grisham. For a brief moment, his eyes softened and Tessa felt his grip loosened.

"What?" He whispered.

Before he could regain control, Tessa kicked him in the groin and ran off to Chico.

She rounded a sharp corner outside of a cave and was slammed against the rock wall from behind. Her sword clattered noisily onto the ground.

"What the…" She gasped.

"Don't forget I know this area better than you." Grisham's low voice sent a shiver down Tessa's spine.

The Queen of Swords sighed, "I'm not going to let you kill me. Why don't you go find another hobby?"

"Nothing is as fun as this. You know that." He laughed quietly. Turning her to him, Grisham lifted his pistol to her temple.

Cocking back the safety he traced her jaw line with the tip of the barrel.

"I win."

He pulled the trigger.

Before Tessa realized what was going on as she barely recovered from the sensation, her knees gave away.

The lone bullet propelled up to the sky as the pistol's owner changed the target in the last second.

A lip-bruising kiss ensued as Tessa's eyes reflexively close to accept the act.

Tessa glanced up from her fallen position and was met with the vast empty space of dusty air.

* * *

"Shit." He murmured inside the cave behind Tessa. Leaning against the wall to hear her movements, Grisham felt his chest tightening in the low space. Trying to get more air into his lungs, he felt as each step the Queen was making away from him, she took a piece of his heart with her.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" A guttural sound escaped his lips. The cry bounced off the cavernous walls and echoed its reaction continuously.

Tessa stopped abruptly at the sound. Her body turned rigid and she felt compelled to run back to find Grisham.

The Queen of Swords was irresolute.

Tessa thought she left something behind like she forgot her precious sword. But a fleeting look at her right hand was her trusty weapon. Yet, she was unsettled.

Tessa couldn't move. For once in her life, she didn't know what to do. The wind sighed around her and the sand danced around her shoes.

Looking back at the cave she wondered if she wanted to know the secret it was keeping.

* * *

Grisham slowly emerged from the cave. He looked up to see the orange sun setting low in the horizon. He wondered how long he was unconscious since he passed out. Walking along the water's end, he kicked several pebbles until he stopped at a red cloth peeking out under a rock. Grisham knew its owner before he pulled the silk from its place.

The soft scent of rose oil filtered in the salt spray air. Caressing it in his hands Grisham smiled at the small gesture.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He put the scarf into his coat.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Feeling depressed…it's summer and I'm stuck in school and working. I've been listening to sad love songs in Korean, Japanese, Chinese, and English (it's a universal thing.) And just saw a sad movie so be prepared with tissues.

**_A Slow Goodbye_**

_"A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it." ---Helen Rowland_

* * *

"You can't have me." She declared proudly and the words stabbed his heart until he felt a hole taking over where the red beating flesh use to be.

"Farewell, my love." He solemnly struck the ground with his sword.

She wondered quietly what the captain was playing at. A pondering expression on her face as she tried to gauge his mysterious words.

He took one step. Another step and he can smell her sweet perfume. The faint scent reminded him of the days when the battles were heated and the lines were clearly drawn. There was yes or no and never maybe so. They knew who was right and wrong. Everything was simple and matter of fact without hesitation. It was ignorant bliss.

But those days were over. A faint memory like a passing shadow at night never coming around. He knew the end was near but to prolong its eventuality was futile. He regretted the time he spent daydreaming without considering the consequences. One thought was enough. A thought means you consider it. A thought means there's a possibility. But there's no possibility, there's no way the heavens will allow this. Like the frustrating answer to an equation, their relationship was undefined. Even they themselves have no solution to this seemingly simple problem.

Killed or be killed.

That's all there is to it. So why is a simple act so complicated?

He can't kill her.

She can't kill him.

"I can kill you." But her words were hollow and they didn't register in his mind.

"I won't do it." He declared proudly and she felt as if her world just shattered to a thousand pieces only to be put back haphazardly in order to make sense of those words.

"I hate you."

"I love you."

Simple words but they mean so much than just love and hate. Their lives were built and destroyed by those words. It is impossible to rebuild the exact same thing because there can only be an original. It is possible to rebuild a similar thing but it will never be the same.

She lost love before and now here it is again, in a different form. This vision was entirely distinct, so unlike her dreams, nothing like what she wished for.

He didn't want to be anyone's dark angel. He refused to see that he could be good for anyone. However, here he is, standing next to this guiding light, close enough to feel the soft rays of warmth. He took a step forward. Leaving his weapon behind…

She gasped. The Queen froze.

He stopped in front of her.

A cold hand caressed her cheek.

Liquid azure eyes drowned her conscience.

She felt the whole earth disappeared. Swept into the ocean, Tessa's legs buckled as the tide was too strong for her to stay upright.

Strong hands held her in place. Hard, cracked hands that stroke the faded scars of past battles through the fabric.

She couldn't breathe.

He couldn't move.

"I left you a long time ago." She cried into his arms.

"I won't let you go." He promised.

"You can't have me…" She tried again.

"I know." Grisham sighed. "I know…"

"Then why are you…" She wanted to push him away, but the currents were sweeping her further away from the shore.

"Let me go." A soft hand nudged his shaking chest.

"I can't. It's too late." He whispered.

"Forget about us. It can't happen. You know that." Her mind tried to convince him and her heart.

"Another lifetime…would that possible?" He questioned.

"Maybe. But everything's connected. This lifetime and the next. What happens here and now affects the next." Clear pearls of water appear on her sun-burned cheeks. She looked up into the now red sea that revealed the captain's response.

"Then I will wait a thousand lifetimes to be with you."

He was hurting her. He thought if he dared to loosen his hold she would disappear in the fog.

She sighed. "I don't love you, Grisham." Inside her heart screamed at her untruth.

"I never ask for your love, just your attention." He lied.

"This has to end now." She was anxious, he was holding her too tight and Tessa could feel her insides raging a war.

"It never began." His hands moved.

One last touch of her strands, his knuckles traced her jaw. His arms left her waist, his hands followed.

Air took over.

The land reappeared. An empty space surrounded her. And Tessa felt she lost something.

Breathing heavily as if she just ran miles from her hacienda to the ocean, she looked up into his empty eyes.

Nothing.

Her heart cried at the lost. Gone were the warm feelings from his embrace, the lightheaded feelings were replaced with a sudden clarity of being abandoned.

Tessa wish the heavens can just take her away with him.

"I can't love you." She knew it was futile, but somehow hoping he would listen to her. "I can't hurt you, because I mean nothing to you."

"Stop it. I know what you're doing." He glared but managed a weak scowl.

"Go away." She glowered when his accusation stroke a chord.

"Soon." He bowed.

"Why me?" She looked hard into his blank eyes. The forever unanswered question.

"Because you see me." His voice cracked. "I'm not invisible around you. You're the only one who doesn't see right through me."

"I don't…I…" In that moment, she wanted to hold him endlessly. She wanted to fill those vacant eyes with warmth and above all else, love. But her fear of the consequences prevented her from doing so.

The flashback of those tarot cards spoke a terror she didn't want to remember.

"I love you…I love you…I love…" The words echo more faintly as time tried to erase her memory.

"I want to hold you." She blurted out. Realizing too late this was the end.

"But you can't." He spoke near the edge of the rock cliff.

Her eyes widened behind her mask.

"Turn around." He commanded.

"No…wait…" She moved with her arm outstretched towards his back.

In one blink and he was gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

do it. joy to love.

love me. let it snow.

love. it's holy night. love me

do it. fallin' love.

love me. let it glow.

love it's "I love you"

holy night. always love

joy to the love

* * *

"Ai shiteru" (I love you) by Mika Nakashima 


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